We love vacation. A lot. A cruise, a beach, a mountain, you name it. We love it. With T.J. being an airline pilot, it offers us great opportunity to go on vacation. So, we try to take advantage of it whenever we can. However, we have not been on a vacation since July 2011....when my mom passed away. We were on vacation when we found out about my mom, and it's something that I will always associate with 'vacation'.
My mom always took care of everything. You could count on her for anything. So, if we went on vacation, no problem, she would watch the cats, she would get the mail, she would water the plants, etc. It made things so easy. So it was my expectation that everything would always be so 'easy'. Like after I had kids and went back to work part-time, my mom could watch them....oh wait, maybe not. If we went on vacation, she could watch the boys, she could take care of the cats, she could take care of everything...or not. So, I struggle with how things 'should be' because they're not easy for me anymore, and I hate it.
I want a vacation, but I want it 'my way'. I want to be able to nap when I want to, lay out and get a tan, drink some strawberry daiquiris, swim with some dolphins if I want. I don't mind if the boys come with, but I don't want it to be a 'family vacation' where the focus is on the kids. I want a vacation for me (selfish yes, but they're still so little). If my mom was still here, I could leave the boys with her. We just don't have anyone else we can leave the boys with. So, our choice is always going to be bringing the boys with us. I just have to decide if we bring someone with us (nanny, etc.) or rely on childcare where ever we are going. The boys will be 18 months old when we go on vacation and I don't know how they will be if we just 'drop them off' with someone while we go out scuba diving for 4 hours. I don't want it to be a complete disaster. They won't quite understand what's happening ('where are we?' 'why is mommy leaving me?', etc). It's also hard to expect someone to just take a week off of their life to help us out so that we can enjoy our vacation. I hate the fact that every time I think about vacation, I think about how my mom isn't here.
I want to go on vacation, and it may seem selfish, but I just wish it was easy..... like it used to be.
I can really relate to this post. I have to be honest, it wasn't until the past year or 2 that I finally accepted or embraced the idea that not just that the kids are here but that I *want* them here (on vacation, etc). So it was a good 5 years or so before the idea of having the kids with actually seemed more fun or as fun as not having them with. I can really relate to the selfishness of it too. It took us 8 months to eat out when we had our first baby b/c I wanted it to be *my* way. Didn't want her to interrupt us or put a cramp in our style. Now John and I look back and laugh b/c we missed out on things. But it was a learning curve and it took us a long time to find our groove. Realize that even though this particular part of parenting isn't the best it will pass and there will be a time when it gets easier. Love you!
ReplyDeleteYep, that's why we've only gone on a 4 night vacation since having kids :) And now... with 3... we won't go on any relaxing vacations ANY time soon. Someday when the kids are grown and we're old, we'll sit on a beach and sip a fancy drink again! Until then, we'll make tons of family memories!
ReplyDeleteAmber, you are NOT at all selfish. I totally understand how you feel. Over time, I have realized something. Sometimes I need "Me" time to be happy with myself so that I can be the best Mom I can be. In my situation, I spend so much time studying that I constantly feel guilty about not spending as much time with Brynn, letting her watch too much TV, play on her iPad too much, etc. However, this is something I need to do to be happy. You know the saying, "If Mom's not happy, nobody's happy." Well, it's true. I need to finish school to be happy with who I am. I need a purpose other than being a Mom. I need to feel accomplished. By doing those things I'm going to be happier as a person and without a doubt will be a better Mom. You and T.J. deserve a vacation together. I don't think there is anything wrong with bringing a nanny with on vacation to watch the boys if that is more comfortable for you than leaving them home. And if you decide to do that, I'm totally willing. :) No joke! I've babysat for 2 different families with twins and went to Florida with one of them, so I'm totally experienced, haha. :)
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