SHHHHHH!!!!......It's the thing that no one talks about!!!

I really debated this one, and I guess I still am. Not sure that I will share this on facebook, but if you happen to check my blog you might see it.


Anyway, can you guess the secret thing that no one ever talks about??? Well it's been something I've been dealing with somewhat secretly for the past 3 weeks. Shhhhh, don't tell anyone....it's about miscarriage.....


Sure, every now and again I might hear about someone I know who's had a miscarriage (mostly moms of kids I work with). However, I'm sure it happens much more often than people would like to talk about (including me). As time has past, I feel more ok with it every day. So, here's my story:


In February of this year I went off birth control for the first time in 11 1/2 years. Being on the pill helped SOOOO much in controlling my severe cramping & throwing up that I suffered in junior high and high school. I did not want to be known as "the girl who throws up" when I went away to college. Anyway, it was close to the severity of endometriosis (which I guess can only be officially diagnosed by surgery). I felt TONS better!!!


I worried as I went off the pill I worried that my periods would be as bad as before (in which I could not attend work or school as I was vomiting the entire day). My first "Aunt Flow" ;) was much better than I expected. Yes! Anyway, we've read a researched about how long it takes "normal" couples to conceive. So we figured we had a few good months of "trying" ahead of us.


Over the next several weeks I took 3 different pregnancy tests (all at different times to confirm I was NOT pregnant)....all negative. Then April comes and goes, but no period (but, I had no idea of when I was supposed to get it because I was not regular as I only had 1 period post pills). No biggie, I thought I just must have not ovulated that month (which happens when you've been on the pill for a long time). So, I took a 4th pregnancy test and it was positive. Whoa!!! T.J. was like "we didn't even get to 'try'!" Ha ha ha BTW, I bought all of my pregnancy tests at the $ store because all tests are 99% effective, I knew I was going to use a few, and consumer reports rated pregnancy tests as one of the top 5 things to buy at the $ store.


Well, I took a 5th test (this time a more expensive one) to really make sure. This was right before Mother's Day, so we decided to get our mothers "grandmother" cards instead. I took a 6th test on Mother's Day just to still make sure that we could share the news as it was the perfect time to say something. They were so excited! We were going to go to the doctor the next day (my birthday), but I did not want to miss out on my birthday dinner (duh, it is all about me :) ), so we went on Friday instead. At that point I should have been 6 weeks 5 days.


We went to the doctor and the first 45 minutes or so was just history, talking about how often the visits are, getting free samples, etc. No testing yet. Then a pap and finally an ultrasound. I could tell by the look on the doctor's face that something wasn't right as he kept measuring the size of the sac. There was a sac (I'll call it my "bubble"), but no baby, no fetal pole, just a bubble. He measured the size of the sac and it was 5 weeks 5 days. He said it could be that the dates were really off on conception, and that's why we couldn't see anything, or that it was a blighted ovum.


A blighted ovum (also known as "anembryonic pregnancy" happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cell develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant (not in my case, clearly). A blighted ovum is often a one time occurrence, and rarely will a woman experience more than one.


It was off for blood testing that evening to get a measure of my hcg levels over 3 days (in which they should double every day). Well, it wasn't good news as my levels were barely increasing and my progesterone was very low. So, I asked him what happens next.


The next step was to wait 2 weeks for the miscarriage to happen on its own. I thought, "Cool, now I just have to wait for this horrible thing to happen to me." At least I knew it was coming, but the waiting for it to happen was terrible. I'm a pretty patient person (ask T.J......I can sit in the airport for 17 hours waiting to get on a flight and I'm not bothered in the least), but waiting for something bad to happen made me feel anxious.

I was prepared, I knew it was coming, and I feel so bad for those that don't. I can't imagine what it's like thinking "is my baby going to die" vs. my "bubble" dilemma. Pretty significant bleeding started on Friday (great way to start off the holiday weekend). Of course I have been researching what happens during a miscarriage and what I can expect. So far, it's been bleeding and waiting and bleeding and waiting. I went for more blood work today to see where my hcg levels are, so hopefully not much longer of this (so far 6 days, although I was spotting before Friday).


I just thought I would share my story, as I'm kind over being asked "are you pregnant?" well.....kind of? It's just annoying to have people watch if I'm drinking or not and then asking if I am, or when will I be, or whatever. Yes, T.J. and I obviously want a baby (although this one was a little unexpected, and not the best timing as the due date would have been January 1st which we call a "Christmas baby"). I just have some more waiting to do as I wait for this to be over, and wait another 6-8 weeks for periods to start again (hopefully), and wait to make sure I'm somewhat regular, and wait to see if we get pregnant.....sigh......at least we know we're fertile ;)